Top Ten with Jose and Baby
This is the top ten things NOT to do if you are expecting a baby in the fall and have dinner with Jose. This is mostly a parody of things, but not completely. Enjoy the humor of it if you can and if not, well, laugh anyway. As someone else kinda says, “I don’t care who you are this is funny…” I am counting them down in the style of David Letterman. To bad, at least to my knowledge, you can not make an ordered list count backwards.
10) Do not decide you need to fulfill you sweet tooth. Especially not in the candy aisle at the Kroger store. Doubly especially not in the bulk candy section.
9) Do not agree in a phone conversation to change over the laundry from the washer to dryer and whatever else it was I can not remember to do for the roommate.
Do not drive home alone, make the dog drive. After all that is the number reason she is along for the ride. (I did help her change gears).
7) Do not proceed to making additional lightly mixed drinks in-house fully stocked with bourbon (thanks to roommates 26th surprise birthday party).
6) Do not send random text messages to the mother to be in between the light conversation with Jose.
5) Do not try to wait out the spin cycle on the side load washing machine, just when you think it is going to stop it goes the other direction, about twenty times.
4) Do not hang your coat on the back of the chair. Especially not right in front of the ‘other’ dog that seems to think you need to have a certain scent on your stuff. Doubly so if you forgot to let them out immediately when you got home.
3) Do not buy a razor with the intent to shave and finish the trim up from the haircut.
2) Do not remind your roommate that it is trying on the black dress and seeing how she looks in it. Remember she did even like the mere suggestion you made the night before about taking the ‘little black dress.’
2) Do not decide how cute the little baby nail clippers were at the store. Especially do not purchase them. Even more so do not try to trim your toe nails with them.
2) Do not come up with fourteen items for your top ten list and think it will be cute when you have to renumber from fifteen and number four will be “Do not renumber a top ten list backwards from fifteen to one, it does not work.”
2) Do not try to address all twenty-five cards to the mother to be from item number one in one sitting.
2) Do not forget what it was you mentioned in a random text message that is going on the first weekend in May. Especially do not get confused and think you were meaning the Derby. Really do not decide it is just the 1st of May that you were thinking about.
2) Do not keep using the number two over and over and over.
2) Do not get on the computer. Especially do not post things to your blog you may regret. Even more so if you think your Mom may read.
2) Do not forget that your boss may read these things too.
2) Do not tell your roommate when on the phone she needs to come home in a good mood because you are not going to put up with any crap this evening. Even if she did interrupt your train of thought on your top ten list. Even if she indicated she did want you to read it to her over the phone. Especially if she told you, “You’re not funny.”
1) Do not decide it will be a nice thing to get a card for the mother to be. There are so many cute and mostly appropriate cards to be found. I wonder how many will still be appropriate in the morning.
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Scarlet
