A short quick post, as I am not wanting to dwell on things very much in this vein to be honest. Just in case anyone is wondering, especially if you had been looking at my Facebook profile – yes, I had fallen for someone. I had fallen for her very hard in a fairly short amount of time. That quote I have about love is friendship on fire – well that is how I was feeling about things with her. We started talking as friends due to common interests and such. And I just feel so hard so quickly it is almost hard for me imagine, much less describe. However, if you have been paying attention to the same things you also know well that I have been a bit emotionally in the shade of blue the last two weeks or so. The speed at which she and I fell for one another was slow compared to the speed at which she stopped things. That is what has had me sad. The speed of it really just hit me like lightning out of the blue sky, well, okay, the blue sky had turned a threatening gray for just a bit, but still it was quick. Now a lot of people tell me I fall for people to quickly and easily. I don’t think that is really the case, but maybe it is. What I do know though is that I was deeply bitten with that love thing for this girl. I was already making plans. And no, it wasn’t just me that was making plans, but so was she. And come to think of it, her Mother was even getting in on the plans, at least a tiny bit (which does put that one thought of why out of mind). Anyway, I am not going to claim to understand what happened. I think I have some ideas, but we went from 60 to 0 in instant and that basically also includes minimum communication right now. I think some of it had to do with her being in a funk herself, my wanting to reassure both herself and myself about things by checking in and talking maybe annoyed, maybe in some ways I got a little aggravated, I know she did a little too. Still, I don’t think that is enough. I have to take her at her word – that she realized despite what we had talked about, that she hadn’t lived life on her own just yet. I think maybe she has some but maybe she hasn’t enough – but it doesn’t matter. She wants to be on her own, make her own choices for a bit, just isn’t ready for the relationship and the future that we were planning together. Now don’t get me wrong, this wasn’t a future that was going to happen next week or anything – though we did even joke about R-U-N-N-O-F-T-ing together on more than one occasion. Anyway, I am writing this to say two things. I suppose if love is friendship on fire, then one needs to be careful that the fire doesn’t consume both the love and the friendship in the process of happening. Now I am hopeful that one day we can resume the friendship, perhaps that one is not so far into the future. I will also always love the girl in question and perhaps if she gets to stretch her wings without me being around she will fly free and perhaps one day not so far off in the future return. For a time – and what time that is I don’t know – I will be here for her when she does return. Oh, and the second thing – despite having starting writing about a dozen things here on this blog about the relationship and how in love I am with her and how I don’t understand and so on and on – I have decided this is to be the only public post about it. Instead, the rest I am going to put in a private second blog, more as a journal, and allow them to reside there for the sake of sometime when I am no longer around or to share with her in some future evening of sappy tripping down a memory lane that is the here and now. I find it funny now, as teenager I always thought that writing a journal of such things always kind of seemed lame. Journals after all were suppose to be about the great things that were going on in ones day and time and maybe, a bit of the person if they were involved the great things. However, as an adult I have found that the three or four times of my greatest confusion and sadness, writing has been a great outlet. the great thing about typing on the computer versus physical writing though is I can write so much more quickly and a greater length of time on the computer. However, I do still on occasion write in a notebook also, the history geek in me enjoys that process just for the process. Will have to figure out how to put the hand written notes into order with and stored easily along with the computer notes. Does one print the computer notes, put it in the notebook? Does one scan and PDF the handwritten stuff? Does one re-type the handwritten notes and store that along with an image of the scan? One last thought and then I am done. Sometime before to long, as I am mostly a loner I need to make sure I make some notes for someone, perhaps my dog to be able to access this kind of stuff when I am gone.
** My fire still burns for you JGW **